Without Consent

Gender based violence (GBV) is a very real, extremely sad problem in South Africa. Although men can also be victims of GBV, it is an unfortunate fact that men are often the instigators of GBV. This is one of those topics that has been debated at all levels of society with many men on the defensive saying that “not all men are the same”. As a member of the male species, I acknowledge that I have used this line before myself. However, there are a few things men do not understand, things that women try to explain. Now, I do not presume that I understand the feelings, emotions, or fears of women. In fact, it is highly likely that I will never be able to fully understand, but I can understand enough to try and make a difference in the minds of other men. Perhaps if I can explain a point or two, and men can hear this from another man (even though this sounds wrong because I think real men should not have to hear it from a man to act right). The first point is that, however true it may be that not all men are the same, how should women know which of us are good men and which of us have less than noble intentions? This is such an obvious point that we must wonder why we did not figure it out on our own. The last time I told my wife that I am a good man and thus proof that not all men are bad, she replied as follows: ‘I know you are good, but if you go for a run and there is a woman jogging in front of you, does she know you are good? Is there any indication, anything at all, that shows her that you are just out for a run? The only thing she knows is that you are a man and the connections in her mind, consciously or unconsciously, are that of danger. So do me a favor when you run behind a woman and cross to the other side of the street.’ The obviousness of this is ridiculous. Most of us want to be seen as good people, and thus it is in our nature to assume that others are good. There are studies that show that people, in general, easily trust other human beings. Yet, we know for a fact that not every person we pass on the street is a good person and that we have no idea what skeletons they hide behind closed doors. Now, on to the second point which concerns specifically that area of GBV known as sexual harassment. Men have this idea in their heads that they can whistle at women whenever they want, call her “sexy” in public, or force themselves on her in private. How do you explain the concept of consent to a male who does not feel uncomfortable when anyone else refers to him in a sexual way? For men it is almost a case of pride, a false sense of their manhood. I absolutely hate the hypocritical conversations where men explain how angry they felt when they found out their girlfriends cheated on them, calling the women all kinds of filthy names, while in the same breath they will brag about all their own “conquests”. This is nothing short of childish and I am ashamed that I was not always free of this in the past. Consent hit me like a brick in the face one evening when my wife and I were on our way to enjoy our date night. Stopping at a traffic light, a person walked up to our car, sprayed some fluid on the windscreen, and proceeded to ‘clean’ the window with a dirty piece of cloth. The feeling of anger was so great that I thought I was going to explode, and my wife had to use all her persuasion to keep me in the car, while reminding me that the person was probably on drugs. This feeling of absolute helplessness soon became a feeling of utter humiliation. In that moment I understood some small, small part of how a woman must feel forced into a situation where a man does not know how to behave himself. May the One God with many Names and many Manifestations, bless you.

Choosing Peace Against Racism

 “I was once asked why I don't participate in anti-war demonstrations. I said that I will never do that, but as soon as you have a pro-peace rally, I'll be there.” (Mother Teresa)

 

There is nothing that makes me angrier than racism in all its forms and any bigotry that goes with it, but does fighting against it help in any way? Initially, I wanted to name this post “Choosing the Battle Against Racism”, but then I remembered the above quote by Mother Teresa, and I realised that, in all honesty, I am tired of fighting. So, I prefer to use the word ‘peace’ or the term ‘to stand up’. ‘Peace’, in this instance, mean knowing when to speak and, when that happens, to always remain calm despite the burning anger. One way of standing up is what I am doing now – to write about my feelings about racism, sharing it with you, and to hope that I will make some form of positive impact wherever this post goes.

I cannot remember exactly how my thoughts around the subject developed, but I remember speaking out against it even as a child, the more my awareness of it grew. Through the years I had many conversations with both racists and non-racists (including those who honestly believed they were not racist even though they talked in a derogatory way about people who do not look or think like they do), as well as with both blacks and whites. As a white Afrikaans speaking male, I also experienced racism, not only from black racists against me, but also from whites who believe that I agreed with them simply because I looked like them.

In all these conversations I never once heard an argument in defence of racism that made any logical sense at all (so much so that I must think carefully exactly what to say here and what to leave out, otherwise this post will be way too long). I have heard white people telling me that most blacks are criminals because most prisoners are black, forgetting that not only are there more blacks in the country than whites but also things like poverty, and the fact that it is many times whites who are the leaders behind big crime syndicates. I have heard black people telling me that they hate all whites for what they did to people in the Apartheid years, to which I answer that I agree that what happened in the past was not right and I do judge my ancestors for their part in it, but I do not understand why I am being hated because I was not there.

Racism come in many subtle and open forms but the most ironic are those people who try to use the Bible to justify their racism. One of the worst I ever heard, is that the Bible says black people cannot be human as they do not have a crown on their heads (afr. kroontjie). I still have a standing and open invitation to anyone who can even point out the verse in the Bible that says this and believe me, I have searched for it. Others argue that God told the Israelites not to mix with other nations and that means that interracial marriages are sinful. Careful reading of this part, however, reveals that it was not that God had a problem with the mixing but with the fact that other nations did not believe in God. My own arguments include that there is a big possibility that Moses, one of the greatest biblical figures, had a black wife and that the woman spoken of in the Song of Solomon was a black woman. It is possible to argue about interpretation for hours, but I do not believe that it is possible to justify hating any race by referring to the Bible (or any other Scripture worth the description of Holy).

Now, in South Africa there is a mistaken belief that only whites can be racist. I do see this racism from them towards blacks on an almost daily basis. This includes refusing to speak in English to someone who can obviously not understand Afrikaans, or being arrogant, unfriendly, and uncooperative because they are not being helped by a white person. I sometimes have an immense desire to apologise to other races on behalf of those from my own race while at the same time I take it as a personal insult. However, blacks can also be racist even though Apartheid was the creation of white people (and before any white person smiles – this is nothing to celebrate). Being in an interracial marriage I have been mistaken for a European by my fellow black South Africans, but this is not the worst – one manager of a restaurant also called me pale.

Is it so difficult to believe that some Afrikaans men see no difference in race when it comes to love? Believe me, there are more of us than you would want to believe, especially the younger generation. Then again, here is something to remember about the older generation of white males - many of them were too scared to start a relationship with black women due to the times they were living in. Stereotyping is as much a form of subtle racism as it is to be openly racist.

I am not suggesting that we forget (or get over) the crimes of the past or ignore the ongoing injustices being committed on all levels of society. I am suggesting that the older people get over their fear of the unknown and get to know other normal people around them even though they look different (I am not saying do not be careful, crime is a South African reality, but do not only watch the black man because it might be your white neighbour who steals from you. Crime has nothing to do with race). Come on, if my grandparents can do it then any other older person can do it. For the younger people I suggest this: stop believing everything that the older generation told you about ‘all white people’ or about ‘all black people’ and make up your own mind about who can be trusted and who cannot, again this can never be based on race but only on character.

South Africa is not the only nation struggling with this. The USA, with the Black Lives Matter movement, Britain, Germany, Israel, France, India are all countries (and these are only the ones I read about regularly, it is a worldwide phenomenon) where there is a daily struggle against racism and other forms of discrimination. The racial problems, like any other social problems of the world will not be solved any time soon. However, each of us, and especially those of us who honestly want to live the spiritual life, can do our small part in declaring peace, harmony, friendship, mutual respect and understanding. Each of us can act in small ways by speaking up against the uncle who cracks a racial joke at a family gathering, or defend a colleague who is being disrespected, or argue against the unnecessary accusations of racism (the so-called ‘playing the race card’).

Remember this, God made us all. We are all part of God. God is Light and in light all the colours are represented.

May the One God, with many Names and many Manifestations, bless you.

The Meaning of Love

There are so many ways in which we use the word “love” these days that many of us cannot explain what exactly the meaning of love is. We “love” just about anything – our wives or husbands, our children, the cat or dog, the car and the house, KFC, or McDonalds… and we also say we love God. In all this confusion we also do not know if love is an emotion or something else, but we think we can switch it on and off depending on our current mood.

Growing up there were two things I was taught – ‘love your neighbour as yourself’ (for those who are reading carefully – the question here is: what does that even mean?) and ‘God so loved the world that He gave His only Son’. These two Biblical quotations were separate in my mind – on the one hand I must love my neighbour somehow and on the other hand God always loves me no matter what. This separation, I believe, is due to the illusion that we are separate from each other and from God – because that is what our eyes tells us. This is not true, because there is also the following thing that is taught – we must become more like Jesus and Jesus lives in our hearts.

As a child I could not bring these points together and plainly accepted it, but as an adult it bothered me. In Hinduism it is believed that God is not separate from us and neither are we separate from each other – the interconnectedness of all. God is a part of us, or we are a part of God, and by default we are a part of each other. In Judaism this is called ‘the Divine Spark in all of us’. If Jesus lives in our hearts, if God is a part of all beings, then we cannot live as if we are separated from each other – we need to love each other as if God Himself is standing in front of us.

Loving your neighbour (and to make this clear – neighbour does not only mean the person next to you but all beings you meet including enemies, animals, insects and so on) thus means loving your neighbour as God loves you. And, from a purely Christian point of view, God loves you with sacrifice. Now we can debate about how cruel it would be if we sacrificed our children for others and that we do not like this idea of a God killing His own Son. But to think like that is to miss the point entirely (no really, you should not sacrifice your children). From where I stand it does not matter whether the crucifixion happened or not (I am not saying it did not), what matters is that if you have never loved someone (including your spouse) until it hurts (not by actually hurting yourself or others but by giving things up that means a lot to you) then you have not really loved yet.

So now we can return to the question asked earlier – what does it even mean to love someone as you love yourself? In the simplest terms, it means that if you love to eat a big healthy meal (or even unhealthy for that matter) you would not give the homeless man in the street just dry bread and milk. Because, if you were that homeless person, even if you would be glad to receive the dry bread and milk, you would wish that someone would give you a big healthy meal. (Again, it is beside the point whether the homeless person should work or not – I will write about this in a later blog).

If you think that most of this is obvious then the question is – why do more of us, especially those of us who see ourselves as spiritual or religious, not do this? The answer is that it hurts, we do not like to make such sacrifices and we do not believe that we are a part of God. Before any fingers points at me – yes, I have tried it many times; I sort of got it right once or twice, I failed multiple times. Continuous effort is the key. This is one of many reasons why I write about it – to spread awareness and to encourage not only others but also myself.

Love does not stop when you said you will pray for the other person or when you gave the bare minimum, but I am also not saying that you must give so much that you do not have anything left. That is also not loving yourself, never mind the other. This is another point that needs to be addressed. While reading a book on the essence of Buddhism the author made an interesting point saying that it is all good and well that we should love our neighbour as ourselves, but what if the person does not love himself? What if the person is depressed? It will then mean that the depressed person, loving the other as he “loves” himself, will wish depression on that person. He then suggests compassion and loving-kindness as better terms. I both agree and disagree with the author to a certain extent.

A depressed person, or one that hates him- or herself, cannot love anyone, never mind talking about having compassion. At the same time, that is exactly what such persons wish on others. If we understand what it means to really love each other, including other beings, then it might not matter which term we prefer. However, the word “love” does bring up the idea of a deep emotional attachment. In this sense the word “compassion” is better as we can then have sympathy and empathy as well as sacrificing without getting attached to the person or being, which might lead to more suffering than anything else. Yet, that will still be a misunderstanding of what it means to really love, and this is where there needs to be a mind change.

Contrary to popular belief, love is not an emotion. Love is rather something we do; in other words, it is a verb. True love is to give or to do something without the expectation of return. Love is as simple as giving a glass of water to whoever asks for it without getting irritated, to give R2 to the person begging at the stop street. Or it is to exceed that person’s expectations and give him a big meal and R200. Love is an effort to reduce the suffering we cause animals and nature by our selfish ways by living more consciously. It is both within our means and outside our comfort zones.

May the One God with many Names and many Manifestations, bless you.