Showing posts with label South Africa. Show all posts
Showing posts with label South Africa. Show all posts

Monday, October 4, 2021

Without Consent

Gender based violence (GBV) is a very real, extremely sad problem in South Africa. Although men can also be victims of GBV, it is an unfortunate fact that men are often the instigators of GBV. This is one of those topics that has been debated at all levels of society with many men on the defensive saying that “not all men are the same”. As a member of the male species, I acknowledge that I have used this line before myself. However, there are a few things men do not understand, things that women try to explain. Now, I do not presume that I understand the feelings, emotions, or fears of women. In fact, it is highly likely that I will never be able to fully understand, but I can understand enough to try and make a difference in the minds of other men. Perhaps if I can explain a point or two, and men can hear this from another man (even though this sounds wrong because I think real men should not have to hear it from a man to act right). The first point is that, however true it may be that not all men are the same, how should women know which of us are good men and which of us have less than noble intentions? This is such an obvious point that we must wonder why we did not figure it out on our own. The last time I told my wife that I am a good man and thus proof that not all men are bad, she replied as follows: ‘I know you are good, but if you go for a run and there is a woman jogging in front of you, does she know you are good? Is there any indication, anything at all, that shows her that you are just out for a run? The only thing she knows is that you are a man and the connections in her mind, consciously or unconsciously, are that of danger. So do me a favor when you run behind a woman and cross to the other side of the street.’ The obviousness of this is ridiculous. Most of us want to be seen as good people, and thus it is in our nature to assume that others are good. There are studies that show that people, in general, easily trust other human beings. Yet, we know for a fact that not every person we pass on the street is a good person and that we have no idea what skeletons they hide behind closed doors. Now, on to the second point which concerns specifically that area of GBV known as sexual harassment. Men have this idea in their heads that they can whistle at women whenever they want, call her “sexy” in public, or force themselves on her in private. How do you explain the concept of consent to a male who does not feel uncomfortable when anyone else refers to him in a sexual way? For men it is almost a case of pride, a false sense of their manhood. I absolutely hate the hypocritical conversations where men explain how angry they felt when they found out their girlfriends cheated on them, calling the women all kinds of filthy names, while in the same breath they will brag about all their own “conquests”. This is nothing short of childish and I am ashamed that I was not always free of this in the past. Consent hit me like a brick in the face one evening when my wife and I were on our way to enjoy our date night. Stopping at a traffic light, a person walked up to our car, sprayed some fluid on the windscreen, and proceeded to ‘clean’ the window with a dirty piece of cloth. The feeling of anger was so great that I thought I was going to explode, and my wife had to use all her persuasion to keep me in the car, while reminding me that the person was probably on drugs. This feeling of absolute helplessness soon became a feeling of utter humiliation. In that moment I understood some small, small part of how a woman must feel forced into a situation where a man does not know how to behave himself. May the One God with many Names and many Manifestations, bless you.

Monday, February 15, 2021

Choosing Peace Against Racism

 I was once asked why I don't participate in anti-war demonstrations. I said that I will never do that, but as soon as you have a pro-peace rally, I'll be there.” (Mother Teresa)

 

There is nothing that makes me angrier than racism in all its forms and any bigotry that goes with it, but does fighting against it help in any way? Initially, I wanted to name this post “Choosing the Battle Against Racism”, but then I remembered the above quote by Mother Teresa, and I realised that, in all honesty, I am tired of fighting. So, I prefer to use the word ‘peace’ or the term ‘to stand up’. ‘Peace’, in this instance, mean knowing when to speak and, when that happens, to always remain calm despite the burning anger. One way of standing up is what I am doing now – to write about my feelings about racism, sharing it with you, and to hope that I will make some form of positive impact wherever this post goes.

I cannot remember exactly how my thoughts around the subject developed, but I remember speaking out against it even as a child, the more my awareness of it grew. Through the years I had many conversations with both racists and non-racists (including those who honestly believed they were not racist even though they talked in a derogatory way about people who do not look or think like they do), as well as with both blacks and whites. As a white Afrikaans speaking male, I also experienced racism, not only from black racists against me, but also from whites who believe that I agreed with them simply because I looked like them.

In all these conversations I never once heard an argument in defence of racism that made any logical sense at all (so much so that I must think carefully exactly what to say here and what to leave out, otherwise this post will be way too long). I have heard white people telling me that most blacks are criminals because most prisoners are black, forgetting that not only are there more blacks in the country than whites but also things like poverty, and the fact that it is many times whites who are the leaders behind big crime syndicates. I have heard black people telling me that they hate all whites for what they did to people in the Apartheid years, to which I answer that I agree that what happened in the past was not right and I do judge my ancestors for their part in it, but I do not understand why I am being hated because I was not there.

Racism come in many subtle and open forms but the most ironic are those people who try to use the Bible to justify their racism. One of the worst I ever heard, is that the Bible says black people cannot be human as they do not have a crown on their heads (afr. kroontjie). I still have a standing and open invitation to anyone who can even point out the verse in the Bible that says this and believe me, I have searched for it. Others argue that God told the Israelites not to mix with other nations and that means that interracial marriages are sinful. Careful reading of this part, however, reveals that it was not that God had a problem with the mixing but with the fact that other nations did not believe in God. My own arguments include that there is a big possibility that Moses, one of the greatest biblical figures, had a black wife and that the woman spoken of in the Song of Solomon was a black woman. It is possible to argue about interpretation for hours, but I do not believe that it is possible to justify hating any race by referring to the Bible (or any other Scripture worth the description of Holy).

Now, in South Africa there is a mistaken belief that only whites can be racist. I do see this racism from them towards blacks on an almost daily basis. This includes refusing to speak in English to someone who can obviously not understand Afrikaans, or being arrogant, unfriendly, and uncooperative because they are not being helped by a white person. I sometimes have an immense desire to apologise to other races on behalf of those from my own race while at the same time I take it as a personal insult. However, blacks can also be racist even though Apartheid was the creation of white people (and before any white person smiles – this is nothing to celebrate). Being in an interracial marriage I have been mistaken for a European by my fellow black South Africans, but this is not the worst – one manager of a restaurant also called me pale.

Is it so difficult to believe that some Afrikaans men see no difference in race when it comes to love? Believe me, there are more of us than you would want to believe, especially the younger generation. Then again, here is something to remember about the older generation of white males - many of them were too scared to start a relationship with black women due to the times they were living in. Stereotyping is as much a form of subtle racism as it is to be openly racist.

I am not suggesting that we forget (or get over) the crimes of the past or ignore the ongoing injustices being committed on all levels of society. I am suggesting that the older people get over their fear of the unknown and get to know other normal people around them even though they look different (I am not saying do not be careful, crime is a South African reality, but do not only watch the black man because it might be your white neighbour who steals from you. Crime has nothing to do with race). Come on, if my grandparents can do it then any other older person can do it. For the younger people I suggest this: stop believing everything that the older generation told you about ‘all white people’ or about ‘all black people’ and make up your own mind about who can be trusted and who cannot, again this can never be based on race but only on character.

South Africa is not the only nation struggling with this. The USA, with the Black Lives Matter movement, Britain, Germany, Israel, France, India are all countries (and these are only the ones I read about regularly, it is a worldwide phenomenon) where there is a daily struggle against racism and other forms of discrimination. The racial problems, like any other social problems of the world will not be solved any time soon. However, each of us, and especially those of us who honestly want to live the spiritual life, can do our small part in declaring peace, harmony, friendship, mutual respect and understanding. Each of us can act in small ways by speaking up against the uncle who cracks a racial joke at a family gathering, or defend a colleague who is being disrespected, or argue against the unnecessary accusations of racism (the so-called ‘playing the race card’).

Remember this, God made us all. We are all part of God. God is Light and in light all the colours are represented.

May the One God, with many Names and many Manifestations, bless you.