Without Consent

Gender based violence (GBV) is a very real, extremely sad problem in South Africa. Although men can also be victims of GBV, it is an unfortunate fact that men are often the instigators of GBV. This is one of those topics that has been debated at all levels of society with many men on the defensive saying that “not all men are the same”. As a member of the male species, I acknowledge that I have used this line before myself. However, there are a few things men do not understand, things that women try to explain. Now, I do not presume that I understand the feelings, emotions, or fears of women. In fact, it is highly likely that I will never be able to fully understand, but I can understand enough to try and make a difference in the minds of other men. Perhaps if I can explain a point or two, and men can hear this from another man (even though this sounds wrong because I think real men should not have to hear it from a man to act right). The first point is that, however true it may be that not all men are the same, how should women know which of us are good men and which of us have less than noble intentions? This is such an obvious point that we must wonder why we did not figure it out on our own. The last time I told my wife that I am a good man and thus proof that not all men are bad, she replied as follows: ‘I know you are good, but if you go for a run and there is a woman jogging in front of you, does she know you are good? Is there any indication, anything at all, that shows her that you are just out for a run? The only thing she knows is that you are a man and the connections in her mind, consciously or unconsciously, are that of danger. So do me a favor when you run behind a woman and cross to the other side of the street.’ The obviousness of this is ridiculous. Most of us want to be seen as good people, and thus it is in our nature to assume that others are good. There are studies that show that people, in general, easily trust other human beings. Yet, we know for a fact that not every person we pass on the street is a good person and that we have no idea what skeletons they hide behind closed doors. Now, on to the second point which concerns specifically that area of GBV known as sexual harassment. Men have this idea in their heads that they can whistle at women whenever they want, call her “sexy” in public, or force themselves on her in private. How do you explain the concept of consent to a male who does not feel uncomfortable when anyone else refers to him in a sexual way? For men it is almost a case of pride, a false sense of their manhood. I absolutely hate the hypocritical conversations where men explain how angry they felt when they found out their girlfriends cheated on them, calling the women all kinds of filthy names, while in the same breath they will brag about all their own “conquests”. This is nothing short of childish and I am ashamed that I was not always free of this in the past. Consent hit me like a brick in the face one evening when my wife and I were on our way to enjoy our date night. Stopping at a traffic light, a person walked up to our car, sprayed some fluid on the windscreen, and proceeded to ‘clean’ the window with a dirty piece of cloth. The feeling of anger was so great that I thought I was going to explode, and my wife had to use all her persuasion to keep me in the car, while reminding me that the person was probably on drugs. This feeling of absolute helplessness soon became a feeling of utter humiliation. In that moment I understood some small, small part of how a woman must feel forced into a situation where a man does not know how to behave himself. May the One God with many Names and many Manifestations, bless you.